And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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