Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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