Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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