you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Randomize
