it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
