How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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