Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
