Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
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