Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
