Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
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