i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
