I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Found the puke drawer
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
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