ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
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