why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
