Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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