apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
