I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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