your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Randomize
