I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
