At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
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