At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
