Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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