my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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