Fine. I'll sleep in my office
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
