I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
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