Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
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