remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
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