I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
