I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
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