please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
