can we get nightvision for the apartment?
Who wears a wallet chain?!
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
