I just gift wrapped bread.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
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