I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
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