If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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