I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
