I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
