its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Randomize
