how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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