I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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