I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
