Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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