I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
