I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
