; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Randomize
