im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize