I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Randomize
