he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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