are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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