I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Randomize
