I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
