gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
