I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
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