sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
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