She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
