1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize